Hi there it’s me again. In case you’re deprived and missed out on my previous pieces I’m me. Humans have called me Bear and Bandit and most recently Jasper over the years. But you’re not wet behind the whiskers and expecting me to tell you my deep and inscrutable singular name are you?

This time I’m going to give you the low-down on some toys that humans may inflict on you. You may naively think humans get you toys as a thank you for the headless mice and no longer flying birds you present them with but no, that’s so not so. As strange as it may seem for being oversized humans suffer from low self-esteem. Giving us toys and making us play with them gives them a smidgeon of self-worth. A little compensation for all those genetic defects depriving them of nice fur coats and whiskers.

Toy:	Interactive Fish	Rating:

Small battery operated fish which jigger about and flash when dropped into water? Do humans think cats can’t tell the difference to real fish? To get real fish you can always stress that natural fish are carbon neutral, and don’t come wrapped in landfill plastic and cardboard.

Toy:	Smart Snake Cat Toy	Rating:

Does your human know what a mongoose looks like? Probably not. Romans called cats Felis catis and mongooses Urva edwardsii so we’re totally different to mongooses! That was before the Romans all became extinct because of having to talk Latin of course.

You may be worried that you will be replaced by a robotic cat since humans seem to prefer the artificial over the real. Don’t fret - humans haven’t been successfully replaced yet by androids and cats are more complicated.

Toy:	Cat Shelter	Rating:

Reasonable as a perch to sit on to admire the bird life, or to jump onto on one’s way somewhere else. But that’s as far as it goes. Humans probably like looking at this because it reminds them of cuckoo clocks and cow bells.

Toy:	Vesper Rocket	Rating:

Are we cats supposed to pretend this has any chance of reaching escape velocity? If a stupid human tries to dress you up as an astronaut puncture their spacesuit so they breath vacuum. There’s no brownie points for being the first cat on the moon. As the moon is made of green cheese sticking lumps of cheddar into mousetraps isn’t going to catch anything. Don’t go to the moon even in your dreams.

Toy:	Cat Play Space Caravan	Rating:

Is this compensation for getting stuck in a cattery while your humans go on holiday? You would have to be a dog to enjoy going on a holiday with a human so you’re not missing out in practice.

Toy:	Ping pong balls	Rating:

Ever seen a cat playing table tennis? No I didn’t think so. We don’t have opposable thumbs! But we do have these lovely sharp claws perfect for increasing sales of sticking plasters to stupid humans.

Memo to humans: cats see yellows and blues not reds so much.

Toy:	Toy mouse	Rating:

If the edible mice are hiding you can enjoy giving this non-edible mouse a working over. And it reinforces your place at the top of the food chain. Mice benefit too from knowing their place in the pecking order: where would a mouse if it thought it had to chase lions, or might be gnawed by a bit of gruyere?

Toy:	Cat barrel	Rating:

A good perch for looking out of the window on or just doing that 16 hours of snoozing each day. If ever you’re in a multi-cat household make sure you’re on top.

Toy:	Large cat tunnel	Rating:

This is more like it. You can hide inside this tunnel and give your humans a fright as they pass by carrying cups of coffee. Stay inside the tunnel so any spillages don’t land on you. Don’t dash through the tunnel too often as they might think you want to be a circus cat. Jumping through blazing hoops is overrated as a way of getting treats. Being kawaii (cute) and whining plaintively is much easier and more effective.

Toy:	Cardboard box	Rating:

Great! A multi-purpose activity centre! It can be your lair when you’re the Napoleon of Crime. If you care to express yourself by sleeping it can be your Sleeping Car Express. It can be a barge from which you terrorise the neighbourhood. Or it can be a pirate ship to knock about the Barbary Coast. You’re only limited by your imagination.

A cautionary word to young kittens. Do not confuse cardboard boxes with litter trays. That does not end well.